Confessions of a Comparer

 

Looking back is a funny thing. I am able to see how every single puzzle piece of my life has fallen into place, everything leads up to something and it all eventually works out. I wish I could have that same assurance right now. Our life is amazing, there is not one thing I could complain about or alter to make better. But that's not to say it isn't tough. We face trials both individually and as a couple, but right now it seems like everything is weighing in on us. It feels like even the small decisions that are before us could heavily influence our future. Whether we keep renting where we are, whether to travel more before we buy a house, where to buy a house, when we should have babies, where I should apply to school..  

 

I'll be honest, it can get depressing when I look around and I see everyone accomplishing their goals and I feel like I somehow got left behind somewhere, like I missed out on some important step that they all took. I have friends that are designing and building their own houses! Having babies, travelling all over the planet, getting their dream jobs. I have friends from all walks of life yet they all seem so much further ahead on the path than me.

 

Ever since I was little I have spent way too much time comparing myself to others. I have no idea why I do this. I think it's a built-in thing in all women.  It uses up so much energy and is such a terrible thing to do. I have found myself wishing I was more outgoing, in better shape, craftier, smarter, prettier, more musical, funnier, etc etc etc.

 Sometimes people tend to glamorize life and it can really make you feel like you aren't doing enough. 

 

 

It makes me wonder where society has developed this sense of the ideal person.

 

 

A couple years ago I had my life laid out, everything in its place and going its course. I was going to travel, to Ireland, Greece and Egypt. I was going to finish my Bachelor's Degree and be an Elementary school teacher. I was going to own a house on the beach and eat fish and chips with gravy for the rest of my life while riding off into the sunset.  I had so many more ideals in my head that I just assumed would be part of my life. I was wrong.

 

I never planned on Alex.

 

I mean, of COURSE I wanted to get married and everything, but still seemed like so far away.. Life really puts you in your place sometimes just when you seem to have things figured out.

He is in school right now and because it's so expensive I have to wait until he is done to go back and finish my own.

I admit this used to make me bitter.

All I could focus on was the fact that I gave up everything to come here and marry him and how inconvenient and upsetting it was to put my life on hold for him.

I got angry and jealous that he could see the light at the end of the tunnel and that he was leaving me behind too. Poor Alex had no idea what was going on in my head until it all came out one day.

He thanked me over and over again for all the work I was doing to put him through school and how much it meant to him. I felt like a horrible person... I had such a selfish influence on our marriage, and immediately changed my perspective.

I realized it was my problem. It wasn't Alex's and it wasn't anybody else's. It was up to me to change my way of thinking and to improve my outlook. I should be proud of the things I have accomplished. I should be confident in who I am both physically and mentally. I have found the less time I spend focusing on myself and comparing myself the more time I have to improve myself and improve my relationship with those around me, especially Alex. When I focus on serving others I think less about myself and in turn I am much happier. 

 

 

 

It truly is an honor to be working to put Alex through school. He is working 65 hours a week (40 student teaching 25 serving), trying to bring in money and set us up for the future all at the same time. I have it so much easier than him and yet I still found a way to make it all about myself. I still feel so guilty that I ever thought that way. Alex is amazing to me, I cant ever let myself get in the way of noticing this with my selfish, bitter thoughts.

 

 

But now I've realized something I've always known, I would rather be struggling with Alex down a seemingly endless road than by myself ticking off some list I made when I was 14.

It's about taking one little baby step at a time, even if it all seems pointless and unrewarding. Every little step adds up and before you know it you're on a path that is better than any you could have dreamed up 10 years ago.

 

 

Our happiness in life and marriage should never come from checking off our list of "things to do before I die". You're always exactly where you are meant to be, so find joy in the moment instead of sittin, waitin and wishin. There really is no wrong answer.