Maygan the Mis-Fit

So honestly, I've always felt like I just didn't quite fit into my surroundings. I always stood out- and not in the good kind of way. I am Australian- born and bred and damn proud of it. I am also LDS. Mormon. Doorknocker. Brainwasher.

I've heard them all.

 Australia is known for its beauty and friendly occupants. It is not, however, known for its open acceptability of religion. The culture down there is beer, swear, drink more beer and swear a little more. Trust me, people notice when you don't join in. Sometimes people would be accepting and ask genuine questions as to why I was always the sober designated driver, why I wore such conservative clothes or why I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend before I was 16. Other times I would be criticized, insulted or just flat out dismissed as a mis-fit. It hurt. I grew a backbone. Then accidentally became desensitized to everything going on around me in hopes of blending in for once. I stopped being open about my religion and started laughing at their jokes about my lifestyle, apologizing for it and slowly adapting their lifestyle in an attempt to divert their attention away from my beliefs. 

It still didn't work. Living in a small country town you tend to make some sort of name for yourself and because I was famous for my goody-two-shoes ways people seemed to always be watching waiting for me to slip up so they could call me out. 

Now I made a lot of shameful decisions back then in my desperate attempts to change my image to impress those around me. It sounds so high-school but its crazy the kind of tricks your mind plays on you when youre trying to make decisions.
You can justify just about anything if you want it bad enough.
 I left the church for a while and I am not proud of the things I accomplished in that period of my life.

I hung out at all the wrong places




I dressed just that little bit more revealing than my dad would have liked..


 This was my scene.


Although I wasn't doing anything 'Wrong', I wasn't doing anything Right either...
I didn't go to church. I never touched my scriptures. I rarely prayed. My testimony was a dim spark where a raging fire had once been. I was hardly ever home with my family and caused my mother to grow a million gray hairs while she waited up until 5am to hear my car pull into the driveway after a night out with my friends.
I didn't see this life as being bad. I had so much fun with my friends, watching them do crazy drunk things then watching them blush from head to toe when I told them all about it the next day as they were nursing a hangover. I felt like I belonged. And I liked that feeling. I stayed in this empty hole of temporary happiness so long that I forgot what it felt like to have true joy. The meaningful, lasting kind. At one stage I was in such a bad place spiritually that I lost all my feeling. I didnt feel happy. I didnt feel sad. I didnt feel guilty and I didn't feel proud. I just didn't feel.


I had officially lost the spirit and I had no idea where to go. Then one day the happiness and thrill I once felt from hanging out with the 'wrong crowd' as the church always called it had gone.
One day a friend from my ward invited me over. I went, mainly because I had run out of excuses not to. She didn't judge me, she never even talked about the life I was living. Instead, she told me about her life experiences before the church and really opened up. It hit me hard. I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time. I felt ashamed. She told me she was mainly telling me this because she couldn't stand seeing my parents the way they were anymore.
I had broken my parents hearts and I could see that. I love my family and it hurt soooo much to be disappointing them with my choices. She told me I needed to come back to church. Pretty firmly actually. She told me to "fake it till you make it". It turned out to be one of the best pieces of advice anyone could ever give me.

I went back that Sunday. I could feel peoples eyes on me, secretly judging me, but I stayed anyway. I continued to go. But what really changed my perspective was my best friends wedding. She had been struggling with the church at the same time I was. I should have been there to support her, but instead I went my own selfish way.
She ended up back at church before me. Started dating a guy, fell in love and got married in the Melbourne temple.




The look in her eye that day was one I had never seen. She was radiating pure joy, and the look her husband was giving her was one of pure love. It was then that I set in my heart the desire of my own to kneel across the alter from my husband and be married for time and all eternity.




I have never been prouder of anyone in my whole life.

Since that moment, life has still thrown me insane curveballs that make me question and doubt the strength of my own testimony way too often.

But I did it.

I married this amazing young man, with the biggest heart of gold in the Salt Lake Temple just 10 months ago.




And he looks at me the way I had always dreamed.


I know now more than ever that all the quenching and tempering I have gone through I have become stronger than I could have ever imagined. I'm not afraid of what I believe anymore. I'm not afraid of the tormenting questions that come from people who are just trying to cut deep inside. I'm not ashamed of being LDS. I am happier than I could have ever though possible, and I know that its all through the atonement. It's the real kind of happiness, not the temporary kind. I don't care if all my Australian friends think I'm talking Mormon brainwashing rubbish. I know for myself that what I believe is true, and I'm never going to be afraid to admit that again. I still have so much to learn, I don't think I'll ever have the answers to every question and I don't expect to. I have started an eternal family, and I don't ever want to let anything get in the way of that. Bring on the trials, heartbreaks and tough decisions. I have an amazing man to walk through this with and together nothing will beat us.

That is exactly why we will always Cope Side-By-Side






http://mormon.org/what-do-mormons-believe

 

Sacrifice Now- Security Later?

TONIGHT WE CUT UP OUR CREDIT CARDS

I know.. Insane..

Let me back up and explain..

Tonight was our regular scheduled date night. We went out for a lovely dinner down to a pretty pricey but wonderful Italian Restaurant around the corner from us. After, we decided to go to Barnes & Noble and snoop around in a world of wonderful literature. I headed off to the kids book section and Alex went to the finance section. Yeah, we're kinda different that way..

Anyway, as we were sitting side by side, me with my book about a bear and a koala and Alex with his budget book, he turns to me with a serious face and says "Maygs, let's go home and cut up our credit cards"

I just laughed told him he is insane and brushed it off. But he continued. He said that if we paid for everything with cash instead it hurts more so we spend less. Even gave me a study with real statistics to try convince me. Make sense? totally... So we did this

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now we aren't dumb with our money. We work hard, pay our bills and save where we can. So ok, we might spoil ourselves a litttlleeee too much.. Like going out to eat a million times more than cooking at home.. But overall we have a good comfortable life, good credit and good sense. So what would make him want to cut up our credit cards? So we can make a start towards a debt-free life. No more indulging  in credit card luxuries, no more justifying purchases, just plain old simple living. I have no idea how he convinced me to do this, but now I'm kind of excited about it! I love having a smart man to look after my future. Nice job honey ;)

An Ode to My Mother

Those who know me know I live for buying presents. If someone's looking sad, they have a box of see's candy coming their way. If I go on a trip away, one suitcase is going to be filled for things I've found to give to people. Christmas- don't even get me started. I was caught at work a month ago whistling Christmas tunes and then viciously scolded for it. I love itttt! And today's occasion was babies being born. Two of our co-workers have had babies recently and I'd honestly take any excuse to drag Alex down those isles full of tiny people clothes. Last night at work one of them brought their baby in. She is tiny! She was born premature at 2 pounds 10 ounces. She is the most beautiful little thing in the entire world! As a bunch of us were standing around I guess I was becoming that crazy baby lady because for the rest of the night I was getting picked on. Poor Alex was copping it too.

"Maygan needs a baby Alex"

"Geez you guys should just have one already!"

"Why don't you have one yet?"

"So, when are you going to have one?"  I wink and reply 'hopefully 9 months from this morning' to which they laugh, and go about their duties.

These questions come up ALL the time. From friends, from family, from people I just met. Perfect example was a couple weeks ago while talking to a friend through a facebook message. After the usual hi how are ya what's new questions it was a whopping SO YOU PREGNANT YET?

I guess now that we kissed in a tree, fell in love and have gotten married, the next thing to come is the baby in the baby carriage. Right?

Want to know my real answer to all these questions? Because I'm terrified.

I'm terrified of one day trying and finding out I'm unable to have one

I'm terrified to be responsible to such a fragile dependent thing

I'm terrified I wont be enough

I'm terrified of bringing my child into such a ferocious and judgemental world

I'm terrified that I'll somehow not be Maygan anymore- that I'll transform into 'this persons mum' or 'that guy's wife'

I'm terrified that others will always be judging the way I raise them

I'm terrified of 100 million more things that are both unthinkably ridiculous and absurd!

 And I'm sure every person with the desire to have a family feels this way.. I feel like I'm kinda selfish :( but even though I adore kids and babies I'M NOT READY YET. One day I will be.. But I have no idea when...

 

I mean how do you know? Is there ever going to be a right time?  How do you get over the fear of things to come when you become a parent? The fighting, the pain, having to watch bad decisions being made and know that you cant help?

And that's when I think about my mother.

 

 

 

 

Meet my mother, Melodi Jo Mits. I adore her.

 

My mum had two kids at my age. She had it rough. She met my dad while he was serving his mission in California. He thought she was cute. She liked his accent. It wasn't until my grandpa told my dad that my mum thought he had the 'face of a koala and butt of a kangaroo' that the chemistry started. When he was transferred to a different area she sent him presents (including an adorable stitched pillow that still lives in their house) and he send her tape recordings of his voice. I listened to one once. He was so cute to her :) When he returned home to Australia, he worked "Kangaroo Butt" off and bought a ticket back to see her. After a month they were engaged. Dad claims she never actually said 'yes', but instead listed off all the names they were going to call their kids. Cute. Anyway, they got married in the L.A temple, returned to Australia with $11 and lived  as far out in woop woop as you can imagine in a tiny wood shack.

 

 

Dad was in the police academy and was away in the city all the time. Mum got lonely. So she had me 9 months later. 

A year and a half later she had my sister Maryse. This is her at my age.

 

 

 

She then went on to have 3 more kids. One with ADHD.

Now I was an awful teenager. Ill admit it. We would fight all the time. I broke her heart and I am so ashamed of myself for that. But she stuck by me through everything and I now consider her one of my best friends. For real.

 

I look at her in amazement.

She has been victim to being alone, hurt, scared, broken, torn apart, abused, shut down, disappointed and soooo much more. I guess all this comes with being a mother. But she has never turned her back on any of us. Instead she continues to love us more unconditionally than we sometimes deserve.

 

 

She is also the reason we are all here in Utah.

My mother is always singing. From opera in the kitchen to solos at Christmas concerts. She has the voice of an angel (when she is not singing opera)

And she dreams of being in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

 

In order to do that you need to live within 100 miles of Salt Lake City. Hence their current location of Saratoga Springs.

 

Moving your family half way across the world is no easy feat. We packed 22 years worth of life into a tiny shipping container and sent it overseas. There was a house to be bought, a job to find and cars to purchase. They literally had to start over.

She constantly doubts herself and asks me if she did the right thing. Hey, I met Alex from this so I'm not complaining. But things have been tough here for them. Money sucks. Family issues have arisen. And its hard to see her question her decisions!

I respect her so much in the fact that she chose to follow her dreams. This is what sacrifice looks like. I am so lucky to have her as a role model in my life.

She has shown me what blessing can come from having kids, what love can be felt and what wonderful experiences can be had from being a mum.

 

 

  

I know that everyone's "right time" is different.. but I figure if I can pattern my life after the example she has set for me I can deal with it when it comes. I guess she proves how silly my fears really are. She makes me not as afraid. 

I just hope that when the time comes I can be as tough as her.