An Ode to My Mother

Those who know me know I live for buying presents. If someone's looking sad, they have a box of see's candy coming their way. If I go on a trip away, one suitcase is going to be filled for things I've found to give to people. Christmas- don't even get me started. I was caught at work a month ago whistling Christmas tunes and then viciously scolded for it. I love itttt! And today's occasion was babies being born. Two of our co-workers have had babies recently and I'd honestly take any excuse to drag Alex down those isles full of tiny people clothes. Last night at work one of them brought their baby in. She is tiny! She was born premature at 2 pounds 10 ounces. She is the most beautiful little thing in the entire world! As a bunch of us were standing around I guess I was becoming that crazy baby lady because for the rest of the night I was getting picked on. Poor Alex was copping it too.

"Maygan needs a baby Alex"

"Geez you guys should just have one already!"

"Why don't you have one yet?"

"So, when are you going to have one?"  I wink and reply 'hopefully 9 months from this morning' to which they laugh, and go about their duties.

These questions come up ALL the time. From friends, from family, from people I just met. Perfect example was a couple weeks ago while talking to a friend through a facebook message. After the usual hi how are ya what's new questions it was a whopping SO YOU PREGNANT YET?

I guess now that we kissed in a tree, fell in love and have gotten married, the next thing to come is the baby in the baby carriage. Right?

Want to know my real answer to all these questions? Because I'm terrified.

I'm terrified of one day trying and finding out I'm unable to have one

I'm terrified to be responsible to such a fragile dependent thing

I'm terrified I wont be enough

I'm terrified of bringing my child into such a ferocious and judgemental world

I'm terrified that I'll somehow not be Maygan anymore- that I'll transform into 'this persons mum' or 'that guy's wife'

I'm terrified that others will always be judging the way I raise them

I'm terrified of 100 million more things that are both unthinkably ridiculous and absurd!

 And I'm sure every person with the desire to have a family feels this way.. I feel like I'm kinda selfish :( but even though I adore kids and babies I'M NOT READY YET. One day I will be.. But I have no idea when...

 

I mean how do you know? Is there ever going to be a right time?  How do you get over the fear of things to come when you become a parent? The fighting, the pain, having to watch bad decisions being made and know that you cant help?

And that's when I think about my mother.

 

 

 

 

Meet my mother, Melodi Jo Mits. I adore her.

 

My mum had two kids at my age. She had it rough. She met my dad while he was serving his mission in California. He thought she was cute. She liked his accent. It wasn't until my grandpa told my dad that my mum thought he had the 'face of a koala and butt of a kangaroo' that the chemistry started. When he was transferred to a different area she sent him presents (including an adorable stitched pillow that still lives in their house) and he send her tape recordings of his voice. I listened to one once. He was so cute to her :) When he returned home to Australia, he worked "Kangaroo Butt" off and bought a ticket back to see her. After a month they were engaged. Dad claims she never actually said 'yes', but instead listed off all the names they were going to call their kids. Cute. Anyway, they got married in the L.A temple, returned to Australia with $11 and lived  as far out in woop woop as you can imagine in a tiny wood shack.

 

 

Dad was in the police academy and was away in the city all the time. Mum got lonely. So she had me 9 months later. 

A year and a half later she had my sister Maryse. This is her at my age.

 

 

 

She then went on to have 3 more kids. One with ADHD.

Now I was an awful teenager. Ill admit it. We would fight all the time. I broke her heart and I am so ashamed of myself for that. But she stuck by me through everything and I now consider her one of my best friends. For real.

 

I look at her in amazement.

She has been victim to being alone, hurt, scared, broken, torn apart, abused, shut down, disappointed and soooo much more. I guess all this comes with being a mother. But she has never turned her back on any of us. Instead she continues to love us more unconditionally than we sometimes deserve.

 

 

She is also the reason we are all here in Utah.

My mother is always singing. From opera in the kitchen to solos at Christmas concerts. She has the voice of an angel (when she is not singing opera)

And she dreams of being in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

 

In order to do that you need to live within 100 miles of Salt Lake City. Hence their current location of Saratoga Springs.

 

Moving your family half way across the world is no easy feat. We packed 22 years worth of life into a tiny shipping container and sent it overseas. There was a house to be bought, a job to find and cars to purchase. They literally had to start over.

She constantly doubts herself and asks me if she did the right thing. Hey, I met Alex from this so I'm not complaining. But things have been tough here for them. Money sucks. Family issues have arisen. And its hard to see her question her decisions!

I respect her so much in the fact that she chose to follow her dreams. This is what sacrifice looks like. I am so lucky to have her as a role model in my life.

She has shown me what blessing can come from having kids, what love can be felt and what wonderful experiences can be had from being a mum.

 

 

  

I know that everyone's "right time" is different.. but I figure if I can pattern my life after the example she has set for me I can deal with it when it comes. I guess she proves how silly my fears really are. She makes me not as afraid. 

I just hope that when the time comes I can be as tough as her.